Your Happiness Can Come From Your Choices

While we don't always have choices in life, we always have a choice in how we react. Lori Vober, a stroke survivor, is a speaker and author who volunteers her time to help others. She encourages survivors to look for support from others, knowing that it is OK to not be OK!  She learned about vulnerability by taking a positive approach to life and connecting with others. Lori reminds us that we can choose happiness and don't need to be perfect alone.

Transcript

0:00

Instrumental

Carrie: 0:10

Hi, I'm Carrie, a stroke survivor and a member of BIND.

Kezia: 0:14

And I'm Kezia, stroke survivor and member of BIND as well. And today we are excited to do a part two, uh, with Lori Vober. I hope that all of you listeners, uh, had her previous episode and learned more about her and what she's been doing with her life. Um, but today we're actually going to be focusing on how she's advocating for brain injury survivors and her current I think it's a successful life. So, thank you for joining us and staying with us a little bit longer, Lori.

Lori: 0:45

Oh, thank you so much for having me, guys. It's such a pleasure to be here.

Brian: 0:50

Welcome to BINDWAVES, the official podcast of the Brain Injury Network of Dallas. I'm Brian White, BIND's Executive Director. On each episode, we'll be providing insight into the brain injury community. We'll be talking to members and professionals regarding their stories and the important role of BIND's Clubhouse. We work as a team to inspire hope, community, and a sense of purpose to survivors, caregivers, and the public. Thank you for tuning into BINDWAVES. BINDWAVES Let's get on with the show.

Kezia: 1:22

Um, so I, I know that you gave us a little preview and a little, um, preview in your previous episode about what you're doing now, but can you tell us What you're doing and maybe like how you made it to Texas for us.

Lori: 1:35

Yes, absolutely. So, um, after my stroke, I just as a, um, a little back, um, splash, I hope everybody will go back and listen to our previous episode. Um, I had a stroke. Stroke at age 29, um, then I became an adoptive mom eight years, um, post stroke. And then as my kids entered high school and started on their way out the door, I really felt called to start doing something more with my journey. Um, at that point I had done a lot of therapy and just felt like, okay, there's got to be more than just and trying to get better myself. And I felt like, uh, it was time to share my story. We were right at the tail end of the pandemic at that point. And, uh, it was in the winter of 2021 that I started writing. So I started writing my journey and I'd always talked about possibly writing a book about my stroke. Um, and then, uh, just really started writing at night, and it became much different than I thought it would be. It became a book about, um, my medical journey, but also our adoption journey, um, the journey with the kids, um, homeschooling, and just parenting in general. And so the title of my first book is Choices When You're Faced with a Challenge. What choice will you make? Um, because we all go through challenges, no matter what, whether it's a medical challenge, a financial challenge, a Parental challenge, a spousal challenge. They're all challenges and it comes down to what choice are you going to make through every challenge you go through. And so it's about my story but it's also reflection questions at the end of each chapter. So the author, um, sorry, so the um, reflection questions. Readers can reflect on their own journey, um, but the joke was my husband would come through at night, um, and just kind of say, what are you doing tonight? And I'm like, Oh, I'm writing my book. And he's like, you're writing your book? And I'm like, yeah, I'm writing my book. And the next night he'd come through and say, what are you doing tonight? Like I told you, I'm writing my book. And every night he'd ask me the same question. Like six months later, finally, I'm like, okay, I'm finished writing my book. He's like, You wrote a whole book. I'm like, yep. Wrote a whole book. And, uh, that turned into speaking. And now I'm really passionate about using my journey, um, mainly, uh, the stroke and the epilepsy, but also, um, the parenting journey to really help others and encourage others not to get stuck and just keep moving forward. Yeah.

Carrie: 3:57

That's great. So you started really just journaling and it turned into a book.

Lori: 4:02

It did. It did. It really did.

Carrie: 4:04

We're gonna have to get one of your books. Might have to see if we can do a book swap because the clubhouse here has actually written two books. Oh, wonderful. The first book was Member Stories and then Kezia came along and helped the second book get started because we had so many new members. I love that. And she added in artwork into that book, so maybe we'll have to see if we can do a trade on that.

Lori: 4:26

That would be great. But,

Carrie: 4:27

um, did you always have the desire to write a book and publish a book?

Lori: 4:32

No, not at all. Um, I, you know, I really feel like this is just a journey God called me on, um, to just start sharing and do something. You know, I think every time we go through something tough, um, it's just, what are you going to do with it? And I think more and more, um, as I've, as I've gone through this journey, I really have decided, um, to focus on, um, what is the purpose of it, um, more than just getting better. And I really, um, um, I'm thrilled that I was able to be a mom and fulfill that, um, um, opportunity, but, um, you know, so much of our happiness doesn't come from others. And it took me a long time to realize that. And so, I think just part of my own healing, um, journey has been, um, through serving others and sharing. And truly, I'm grateful that, that this has been my path.

Kezia: 5:28

Yeah, I get, I get what you're saying about just like part of your healing is serving others. The way I see it, um, it's almost the same but a little different. So, Carrie just said how BIND has two books, and I actually worked on the book, um, that I worked on is during the pandemic when we're stuck at home. Um, being a member of BIND, I really felt like I met a lot of courageous people that I'm like, what? Like, Carrie, she knows so much about brain injury and like has all these fancy words and I'm like, I don't even know what stroke I had. Like, I do know, but I can't explain it in these words. Um, and then I see people like, and I met. great members of BIND that have been living with their brain injury or with their stroke and like can easily talk about it and when I started I was still like tearing up I still hadn't seen my I still haven't seen my MRIs that I have taken and there's other people that have it on their phone they're like oh yeah this is what my brain looked like I'm like this is a lot and I'm not there yet and I use my writing to heal and Um, that's what was the purpose for it, for me. But it also was just for other members to have that opportunity because it is part of healing to understand and like really acknowledge that this happened.

Lori: 7:01

Absolutely, absolutely. We have to find our own people. It's that support is so important. And I didn't have that at the beginning. I didn't have my people group. And it truly took me many, many years. And it was when I found my group at the Cancer Support Center. Honestly, that was the first group of individuals Not that I didn't have friends. I had amazing friends. It's just that I didn't have friends that I felt like really understood what it was like to go through a medical challenge and what it was like to, um, Um, be okay, but not be okay, if that makes sense. And I was okay on the outside, but I wasn't okay on the inside. And I was struggling so much to, um, put life back together, and it wasn't going back together. And then, um, when I found like minded people, it was like, it's okay not to be okay.

Carrie: 7:57

Totally. Okay, that's what our saying here is, no one, there's a brain injured, like another brain injured. And BIND didn't exist when I had my stroke 15 years ago. I don't think any real stroke support groups existed 15 years ago. Not anywhere. And so the lady that founded BIND knew what she was doing. She was like, we need a community.

Lori: 8:19

Absolutely.

Carrie: 8:20

And we have all grown and found our purposes through BIND. Different things that we didn't ever know we could do. I like to talk, so it's not that surprising. I love that. This is great. But you do have to find your like minded people. Unfortunately, some of us lose those friends because they don't know how to deal with that disability. You know, I have one friend that he'll say, he's like, they're afraid that they'll catch it. And I'm like, yeah, I can see that. You know, are they just, you're like, for me, you know, I'm a little more physically disabled, but How do I deal with you? Yes. Can I, can you still do the same things? Well, guess what? I'm a Dallas Durst season ticket holder, I'm living my best second life, I don't sit still, I am hardly ever home, so I can do everything that everyone else can do. Yes. I have found my new group of people too, not just here at BIND, but in the hockey world. They tell me You're the most abled, disabled person I know.

Lori: 9:18

I love that. Yeah, I learned a lot about vulnerability. I have a really good friend who is on a cancer journey, and she really does a good job at positively sharing her journey, and I learned so much through her vulnerability. I used to think that if I was vulnerable that I wouldn't be able to I've learned, you know, that I can't fit in and I wouldn't have friends. And then I realized, you know what, I'm not going to fit in anyway. And so, you know, it's a lost cause. So the idea of being vulnerable is truly an opportunity to connect with others. And so I've learned, you know, you can't fit in. Not in a negative way, in a complaining way, but still in a positive way. Um, you know, this is what I'm going through. And some days are hard, and some days are painful, and some days I get frustrated. But this is what I'm going through. And that way, other people can connect and support. And, uh, you never know. Who's out there that might be feeling the same way and feeling lonely thinking they don't have anyone else, um, that they think can feel the same way too. So, you just never know, um, when you put yourself out there, um, who you're going to connect with.

Kezia: 10:29

Yeah, like us.

Lori: 10:30

Yes, like you. And I truly found, and I don't know if you guys have found the same, but I found a great connection with the older generation. When I went back into Bible study, because that was women's ministry, I really felt like I connected with older, older women that are more mentors, just because they've seen more in life and I don't have to compete with them.

Carrie: 10:53

I can understand that.

Kezia: 10:55

Yeah, I could see that. Um, I know that you mentioned your book Choices. Yes! Um, how are you feeling with your, um, journey for writing? How are you feeling it, like, do you feel accomplished? Like, are you writing more? We're excited for you, so tell us more about your writing.

Lori: 11:12

Yes! Yes, thank you. So, um, yes, Choices came out in March 2022, and since then I've done a lot of writing with other authors in compilations and anthropology type books. So for those that don't know, those are books that you write with other authors. So my ninth one will come out this year. So that, it's been busy writing that, and I love that because it's kind of like, Kind of like your books here with BIND. So you all come together and support each other. Um, and, uh, you don't lose your brand and your, and your, um, My journey is still the same. I talk a lot about perseverance and not getting stuck and moving forward in your challenges. Um, it's just with other authors. So, um, my, my next big goal though is to finish my devotional, which is going to be a 52 week. And, uh, so I'm working on that. I hope to, um, finish a children's book series at some point. I recently, um, uh, got a service dog. To help me in the community, his name's Maverick. He's a, um, German Shepherd Husky, um, service dog mix. And, uh, so I'd like to do a, um, children's book series with him being the main character to teach children how to accept others that aren't like themselves so that we can also teach adults how to interact with others that aren't like themselves.

Carrie: 12:38

Oh, that is so fun, and I love it. And I'm also glad I'm not going crazy, because I almost texted you yesterday, like, I feel like at some point you told me you had a service dog. Are you bringing him with you? And then I thought, am I making that up? Because we just got, we recently got a new member that has a service dog. So I was like, so where is Maverick now? Did he make the trip with you?

Lori: 13:01

He did not make the trip with me. Nope. So, um, he, he's home, home with, uh, my husband. So, uh, you know, he, he's, uh, only a year and a half old. So, a service dog, um, is really, truly is trained at about three years old. And he's, he's a wonderful dog, but, uh, he gets impatient at times. And, uh, he's still a puppy. He's still a puppy. The end. Because he has that husky in him, he likes to talk. And so I couldn't have him talk during my conference when it was his turn to talk. So, so uh, I decided he needed to stay home. But maybe one day he'll be ready to travel.

Kezia: 13:36

That's so cute. Yes. That is so cute. Oh, that's so funny. Um, so other than your writing at night, and obviously being a great mom, What, uh, how else are you working and what are your upcoming projects? And obviously your, uh, service doc. That's a big project too, so you have a lot of projects.

Lori: 13:56

I do have a lot of projects. I'm still in therapy. So it's been 21 years. And back to our original conversation on the last podcast, um, stroke is a lifelong journey. And so it's been almost 22 years in January since my stroke. And I still am in therapy. Um, I several times a week, and so that takes up a lot of time, and I do a lot of stroke support in my community in Arizona. I speak monthly at two stroke support groups. One is an inpatient group, and one is an outpatient. So I think it's very important to give back like you guys are, and just speak to those that are in different areas of their journey. Um, and then I'm also, um, doing outside speaking. So, um, anybody who needs a speaker, um, I speak a lot on challenges and choices, and not getting stuck and moving forward, and just trying to be an encourager to others. Um, so that keeps me all very busy.

Kezia: 14:54

Yeah, that sounds like a very busy life. It does.

Carrie: 14:57

Absolutely. And I know Kezia mentioned earlier that, um, Sharing, and you kind of mentioned it, you know, we say it a lot. Sharing your story yourself is part of the healing process. It's very cathartic and it helps you grow. But, um, we do not consider ourselves professional speakers. Um, we do a lot of speaking to groups like you talk about. But that's everyone in the clubhouse does. Everyone has the opportunity to do that. But how did you become a professional speaker? How does that come about?

Lori: 15:26

So, I started out, um, with a, this conference that I'm here in Texas attending. It's called Christian Communicators. This will be my third year. Um, and I started out really just getting trained as a, as a speaker. And then really networking with others. Um, and so, uh, Just one step at a time, of going from being a volunteer and really speaking within hospitals and, um, and those type of volunteer positions to being out more in churches and other, um, opportunities that are more paid for. And so I do a little bit of both. It just depends on, um, where the needs are. And, um, I really truly feel like my journey needs to be wherever, um, God puts me. And, uh, wherever the purpose is. And, uh, you know, we don't have a choice on the challenges we go through. But we definitely have a choice on our reaction to the circumstances. And that's kind of where I'm at. I can't change how quick I'm going to recover or what I'm going to recover. And I can't even change if someone is going to pick me to speak or what my next opportunity is going to be. But we can all give it our best shot no matter what we're supposed to do.

Kezia: 16:37

Yeah. Love, love that. I feel like I'm repeating, repeating love, love, love, but that's, that's how I'm feeling. Um, well, let me take a quick break of our conversation and just remind our listeners that today is Thursday. And if you're listening to us on another day, that's amazing too. Um, and then just continue checking up on our, uh, any social platform and like us every Thursday for our BIND waves. All right. So you were just mentioning, um, basically what you're choosing to happen for you currently and really what you're going to do in the future. Um, so that's amazing. Um, I think you're, I don't know what you're going, like what you're choosing to do and speaking to people and becoming available. It's amazing. I love it. Um, have you like had any challenges like going, speaking, like do you get nervous and like how do you feel like sharing your experience? It is a lot of vulnerability.

Lori: 17:38

Yes. You know, I don't think I get super nervous if I'm just sharing from my heart. If I'm just sharing in a more informal setting, um, because it's just, um, I'm just passionately sharing what God's done in my life, how I've moved from point A to point B, um, and really, um, sharing from my heart, um, what I want my audience to hear. I do get more nervous when it's a more formal, um, opportunity, um, and it's written out. And because I'm a writer first and a speaker second, um, when I write things out, um, then it's a challenge for me not to read it, but to really speak it and have that passion. Um, but then, um, You know, transform that. Um, and you know, I have to say, um, over time I have realized the cognitive, um, uh, deficits that I didn't realize at the beginning, um, that I do still have, um, from, from the stroke. And, uh, I've tried to work several times since the stroke, um, in paid positions. I was a, um, children's director for a church, uh, in the elementary programs for two years. And then I worked as the marketing, um, director at, uh, Um, a Christian publishing company, um, for a short time, and both were wonderful opportunities. It was just a lot, and, uh, I just learned what my body is capable of doing and what it's not. Um, but I think, um, we all get nervous, you know, uh, at times, and, um, I was told once by a speaker coach that, uh, um, to not be nervous means you're not humble anymore. And so I always remember, okay, that's a good check that, uh, that, uh, that when I'm nervous, uh, that I'm still humble and, uh, that that's good.

Carrie: 19:25

That's great. And I, I like how you say that. I mean, because we, you've mentioned it several times. We've mentioned it several times in the podcast that brain injury recovery is lifelong. We will never be done with recovery, but thank God we're here to be in recovery as long as it takes. And that's great. And it is sometimes, you know, you have days and you're like, I thought I was doing perfectly better. And then, Oh. Wait, I'm tired and I don't know what's going on. So yeah, it takes a while to figure out exactly what you don't know.

Lori: 19:57

Absolutely, absolutely, yes.

Kezia: 20:00

Yeah, we talk about it too on the podcast. Like, there's days, um, That just come out. Like today, we're having this conversation, and it's been, I feel like it's been very great. And there's days that I'm just like messing up on all my words, and I think that's really important for people to know that we are not perfect. Yes. I don't think anybody is. No. But because we've had these situations, this brain injury or stroke happen, um, We're okay with it, and I think it's very valuable for people to know that we are not perfect. We make mistakes, and we don't edit it out. Like, we say the wrong word, and that just happened. That's about it, and we don't even apologize.

Lori: 20:46

No, that's great, because it, it, It's, uh, important for others to realize that they can be used within their current situation and, uh, you don't have to wait for perfect to get back out there. So, I love that you pointed that out.

Kezia: 21:00

Yeah.

Lori: 21:01

I mean, if we wait for perfect, then we might be waiting a long, long time. Yeah.

Carrie: 21:06

Yeah. No, we, we try to look at it more as we're going to be authentic. We're not going to be perfect.

Lori: 21:10

I love that. Yes.

Carrie: 21:11

What you see is what you get. That's the truth with every brain injury survivor. We all look a little different, unfortunately some of us look perfect, but that doesn't mean back behind what's going on inside is perfect. That's the hardest part about brain injury survivors, are those people that end up with what we call, you know, the silent disease, where they don't have any physical disabilities like you and I. They look perfect like Kezia, and you wouldn't know it, but Kezia, when she first had her stroke, she did have aphasia. We were fortunate not to. But you wouldn't know it now.

Lori: 21:44

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.

Kezia: 21:47

Yeah, uh, I was diagnosed with aphasia and I had a terrible time talking in the beginning. Um, but talking is what made it better, really.

Lori: 22:00

It's incredible. Yeah. And I think, you know, that's a good point. Um, we do all have our own, uh, set of disabilities and it's frustrating as I know you probably get, Carrie, and I get, um, with our physical challenges because it affects our independence, right? And it affects our safety sometimes, which is why I have a service dog, because I needed help mobility wise, um, out and about, especially as an author and a speaker. Um, I didn't want to have to depend on my husband at all times, um, for protection and the import. mobility support and unusual situations, um, but at the same time, um, I think those that um, uh, look like from the outside everything's fine, but it's not. Theirs is so much, um, more difficult to deal with than what we have because at least, um, for you and I, what you see is what you get. Right. And there's no surprises. And people can look and say, um, whether they're going to be compassionate or not, they at least can see that we have a challenge. Right.

Carrie: 22:58

And I know I say that to everybody. It's like, you know, it sounds silly, it sounds crazy, but, I am, in some ways, happy that I am physically disabled. Just as you said it, it's obvious something's a little different. So if I have an off day, cognitively, it's like, oh well, sure, there's something wrong. You know, but, it is what it is.

Kezia: 23:19

This is true. I have to like, um, Yeah, sometimes I have to guess words or like I have to describe the word that I want to use so then my friends or people around me they're like, I feel like I'm playing a game right now. I'm like, kind of, because I can describe what I want to say, just can't get it out right now. Which reminds me, like, do you have to ask for like accommodations when going to, you know, Uh, counseling events or anything that you have to speak to?

Lori: 23:46

Um, sometimes I need to make sure there's a ramp. Um, I, you know, simple things like making sure there's a podium. Um, and making sure there's a headset that, um, does, that's not a handheld. Um, you know, simple things like that. Um, that other people really. You know, they would be like, Oh, well, it's just a handheld mic. No big deal. Well, for me, if there's not a podium and, um, there's a handheld mic and I don't have a place to put my papers, I can't hold a mic and hold my papers. Um, so all these things that I've learned. So I've learned just to ask ahead of time, what's the setup going to be, um, and, and have that. Have that in place. And I've really learned to ask for help, you know? Um, and I think for a lot of my friends, they're kinda like, okay, we don't wanna encroach on, um, boundaries and we want you to, you know, feel like you can be just, you know, a normal person. Um, you know, whatever normal is at this point. But, uh, um, and so we don't wanna encroach on, you know, and, and get in your space, but, uh, ask for help if you need it. And, uh, um, so I've learned to do that.

Carrie: 24:54

Absolutely, I think that was one of the hardest things for me, um, was asking for help, because I was so independent. The only thing I ever asked for help for before was reaching stuff off the top counter. But, you know. None of y'all, those that know me, know me. Those of you that just listen, I'm a little bit smaller than most people.

Kezia: 25:13

Yeah, but you don't hear that.

Carrie: 25:17

I didn't say it was quieter.

Kezia: 25:22

Yeah, I think that's definitely something that, um, I think that we learn as brain injury survivors, but also that we try to teach to people in, in, in the community and in the public is that one thing that they need to learn is that Don't do things for us. We're like, we got it. Wait for us to ask. Absolutely. Absolutely. I love that. And I think that it's great that you've been doing, you've been taking these opportunities to share your story.

Lori: 25:52

Oh, thank you so much. It's such a blessing. Thank you.

Carrie: 25:55

That's great. Well, Lori, where, I know we're going to put, um, your basic information in the description, but do you have something that you want to just leave on the podcast where people can Find your published works or connect with you.

Lori: 26:09

Yes. My website is the best place. It's um, my name LoriVober.Com.

Carrie: 26:15

And it's l o r i.

Lori: 26:16

Yes, l o r i v o b e r.com. That's where you'll find my journey, my story, my Um, books and resources, um, I'm going to start a new blog, um, in the future, um, it's going to be, uh, Choose to Persevere, um, because I really think that's, it's a choice what we do with our, with our journeys and I want other people to really persevere and, uh, I want to talk more about, uh, uh, what it was like to go through a stroke and, uh, be an adoptive parent. And, and like you said, Carrie, um, This social media was not what it was, um, today when we had our strokes and so, um, I want to kind of go back and, uh, encourage people the way I wish I could have had I done it from the very beginning.

Kezia: 27:02

Yes. And I do also want to remind that our listeners know that today you're in Texas and we're so thankful that you're able to be here, um, but, um, You know, we, we, all of our, a lot of our episodes about what's available here in Texas, and really, you are in Arizona. Yes. In Arizona, and you've mentioned that you're part of other support groups, and you're available in your stories, and all of this, so, um, You shared your email, so I'm going to see if anyone is in Arizona and is in need of resources, your email would be accessible? Yes, absolutely. It's on my website.

Lori: 27:42

Everything's there, so yes, please, if anybody's listening and they need some connection, please reach out.

Kezia: 27:48

Yeah, that's great. Yeah. Well, we do want to thank you so much for sticking with us a little bit later Um to be able to do this episode which we see we feel so privileged to have you here.

Lori: 28:00

Oh, thank you. I I just loved being with you guys I wish I lived here all the time so I could be here with you all the time but i'm so excited to have you guys as new friends and to thank you listeners for listening to us and I hope this has been encouraging to everybody. So, thank you

Carrie: 28:17

Thank you so much. And again, if you would like to contact us, you can email us at bindwaves at thebind. org. You can also visit our website, thebind. org bindwaves, and you can also check that out. Just check out the website if you're interested in volunteering or have more questions about the organization.

Kezia: 28:36

And to all of our listeners, and to everyone that I hope is watching, don't forget to make, subscribe to us, like us, heart us, whatever it is, uh, just make, just do it, and we will love it.

Carrie: 28:49

And again, just keep listening every Thursday, you can find us on all your favorite platforms, so until next time.

Kezia: 28:55

Until next time.

28:57

We hope you've enjoyed listening to BIND Waves and continue to support BIND and our non profit mission. We support brain injury survivors as they reconnect into the life, the community, and their workplace. And we couldn't do that without great listeners like you. We appreciate each and every one of you. Continue watching. Until next time. Until next time.