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Living Beyond Limits: Focusing on Identity, Recovery, and Purpose
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Lori emphasizes the importance of acknowledging grief and loss, finding hope and joy in a new normal, and staying active in both physical and emotional therapy. The discussion also highlights the significance of community support, especially from friends, and the need for broader stroke awareness. The episode concludes with updates on Lori’s upcoming books, including a children's series aimed at teaching inclusivity and acceptance.
https://lorivober.com/lorilonghorn99
You can find this episode’s transcript here.
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Instrumental
BrittanyHi, I'm Brittany, and I'm a TBI survivor a member of BIND, too.
CarrieAnd hi, I'm Carrie, a stroke survivor and a member of BIND, as well. And today, we get to welcome back Lori. Vober, I wrote, I know I said it wrong, but you'll figure it out. You may remember her from last season. We talked with her about her personal stroke story, how she advocates for new survivors, and her journey to becoming a published author, plus much more. She happens to be back in town, so we wanted to catch up with her and see what's going on. So here we go. Welcome back, Lori. Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here.
BrianWelcome to bindwaves, the official podcast of the Brain Injury Network of Dallas. I'm Brian White, BIND's Executive Director. On each episode, we'll be providing insight into the brain injury community. We'll be talking to members and professionals regarding their stories and the important role of BIND's Clubhouse. We work as a team to inspire hope, community, and a sense of purpose to survivors, caregivers, and the public. Thank you for tuning in to BINDWAVES. Let's get on with the show.
CarrieOkay, so since we last saw you, just tell us a little bit about how life has been since then. Yes. I know you've been busy, busy. I
Brittanyhave been busy busy, so I
Carrieto write. when I was here the last time, I shared my, journey a
Brittanylittle bit with you guys.
CarrieMy book choices, which came out in 2022. I
Brittanycontinue to write,
Carrieas a compilation author. My 10th compilation just published this year. Um, uh, in fact, last month, I'm doing a lot of speaking, both at retreats and in churches, but I'm very active in Arizona where I live in the stroke community. I think it's really important to, um, take what we've gone through and give back. Uh, that's why I love your organization and what you do here at BIND.
BrittanyUm, I
Carrielook at, uh, where we have come
Lorifrom, uh, We all
Carriehave different stories and different, places that we've come from and different journeys, but we all have the same, um, medical challenge in the fact that everything changed in the blink of an eye and we can never go back, but we can go forward. And uh, that's really the message I have for my stroke community. And I've learned so
Brittanymuch
Carriemy own journey about the importance of grief and loss. And that's
Lorireally
Carrieimportant.
Lorium,
Brittanywhat,
Carriewhat my newest journey in the past six months has been is I worked so hard, um, originally on, uh, physical challenges and, uh, physical recovery, uh, but I didn't realize the importance of, um, the emotional, um, recovery
Loriand, uh,
Carriehow important that is in our recovery journey.
BrittanyKnowing that stroke recovery is a long, lifelong journey and the therapy is lifelong doing it, how do you encourage others that this journey won't give them hope, peace, or success.
CarrieYou know, I have found so much in my new normal, but, uh, I did realize that, um,
Loriuh, you know,
Carriejust jumping into therapy and
Brittanyhaving the goals
Carrieof, um, the physical recovery, um,
Brittanywith the
Carrieexpectation that I was going to make a full recovery was not the right approach. It is important to stay in therapy and to be active. And I'm still in therapy even 22 years later, I'm um, two days a week. And so it is a lifelong journey and you don't think at the beginning it's
Lorigoing to be.
CarrieUm, But I have found so much hope, joy, and new success in my new normal. Um, but that comes with, um, really realizing that,
Lorium, you
Carriedid have a, a loss
Brittanyand in grieving
Carriethrough that loss. For me, I was 29 when I had my hemiorrhagic stroke. And, And I had the loss of dreams, the loss of uh, uhh, biological children, uhh, the loss of a career. And we all have losses, whether it's a medical challenge or Um, other kinds of challenges. And I think it's not a sign of weakness to recognize that grief and that loss, but just to process it so that you can move forward in a healthy manner, get the emotional support
Brittanyyou
Lorineed, to move forward
Carrieum, and to realize that, um, you're not stuck within your disability, and it's, your disability is not, um, a source of your identity, um, it's just, um,
Lorihow
Carrieyou are, and, um, you can have just as much happiness and joy within your new normal, um, it's just a different perspective change. No, and I agree with that. You're saying new normal. And new normal was a term that I heard a lot in the very beginning. And a lot of the members here around BIND have heard, and a lot of people do not like that term. I mean, it is a, it's, I mean, I didn't like it when I first started. I mean, and then you talk about the grief and grieving. And when I realized that, um, after my stroke, I had to use the same grieving techniques that you do when you lose a family member. You go, you go through all those same stages. And once I accepted that and worked my way through those stages, I could then accept my new normal. And if you read my Facebook profile, it says, living in my best second life. Because that's exactly where I am today. Yes, yes. I went through actually Grief Share at my church, a 13 week program, and um, several people were I'm very surprised that I would choose to go that route because
Brittanymost people
Carrieconsider Grief sharing for someone that has lost a spouse. or a family member. But it helped me
Brittanyso much just to,
Carriewrap my arms around the grieving process and even,
Brittanyto
Carriewatch how other people, grieve and reflect on, the process and just to recognize,
Lorithat.
Carriethe, way, um, we all process our losses. Right, and I think that's what most people don't get. Is like you said, most people are grieving the loss of someone. Well, as you said, you had to, you lost, you know, your independency, your career, your ability to have children. I was the same way. I was 38. I was independent. I was on my way up the corporate ladder. I had lots of plans, lots of ambitions. That person died when I had a stroke. So I did have to grieve the loss of a loved one. Unfortunately, it was part of me. Now that part of me is still in here, but it's manifested in a different way now. Absolutely. And we take
Brittanywhat, um,
LoriUh, you
Carriemy, a lot of my passion comes from my faith. Um, and, uh, uh, you know, everybody has their own passion, their own drive, their own perseverance. Uh, but, you know, I think we take that. Um, and we have to move forward, Uh, you
Brittanyknow, my,
Loriuh,
Carriemy old life, my old passions didn't die. Um, they just
Brittanycame alongside
Carriemy challenges and my challenges truly have
Brittanycome alongside my
Carriemy purpose. I always say that,
Loriuh, um you
Carrieknow, you can either get stuck in your challenges and just sit at home or you can use them for opportunities.
BrittanyAnd, um,
Loriuh,
Carrieyou know, I have found so many great opportunities, um, combining,
Loriuh, my
Carriebackground in marketing and sales and customer service, um, with the challenges that I've gone through, um,
Loriand it just
Carriea great passion and purpose. Absolutely.
BrittanyYeah. So, um so you, um, So you mentioned everyone has a disability, or a limp, or something, something noticeable, or something not noticeable. So, how do you, um, Like, don't lose your true identity. Can you explain what you mean by this? The, your quote, like, our disabilities don't define us, so don't lose your true identity with your stroke recovery. Oh,
Carrieyes. Um, so, for a long time, I feel like I was, in a bit of a bubble. Um, and, uh, by that, I just was very protected. um, right after my stroke, um, I worked
Brittanyvery hard to,
Carrieum, recover, did, um, therapy, um, almost as a full time
Brittanyjob.
Lorithen we
Carriechose to adopt, um, three children,
Brittanyum, eight years post stroke in order to start our family, um, from Columbia, South America. And, uh,
Carriethat was a, a beautiful
Brittanyjourney of blessings and challenges, but it
Carrieit fulfilled my ability to be a mom. Um, but it
Brittanywas when I became an author and, uh, um, then decided. to
Carriemotivational speaker, that my world
Brittanyopened
Carrieup again. And I realized that, in so many cases, I couldn't keep up with my peers. And many times my, heart and my passions, and my body don't,
Lorium,
Carriekeep in sync, and I just can't do all the things that I want to do. My body just will not allow me to. And, I find that, I started, feeling less than, and,
Loriyou know,
Carriethat's what I really started analyzing. I'm not less than because of my disability. It's just where I am in life
Loriand so I
Carriedon't want anyone else that maybe has a physical
Lorito
Carrieever start thinking that is their identity and that they are less than because you are not. It's not your identity of who you truly are.
LoriUm,
Carrieyour true identity is who um, God created you to be. It's your personality. It's who you are giving. Um, who you are as a person. Um, what we can
Brittanydo and
Carriewe
Lorican't do,
Carriethat's just a part of our body and what our body
Loriallows us to to do. Um, you
Carrieknow, those who don't, um, I have a physical
Loridisability. Um,
Carrieand I have friends that
Brittanythat, are in the same situation that I
Carrieam and I have many friends that aren't. And those that aren't in our same situation don't understand that from the minute we get out of bed to the minute we go to bed, I am always on, as you probably are, um, in awareness. I mean, every step I take has to be with caution. Every crack in the, in the road is with awareness of um, falling. Um, and I am always keenly aware of um, my surroundings and how I'm feeling. Um, I have epilepsy from the stroke, so I'm always having to be aware of, um,
Loriyou know, am I getting
Carrietoo tired? Am I, am I
Loriam am I
Carriefeeling okay? And, most people that don't have medical challenges just go about their normal day
Brittanyand they don't have
Carrieto worry about
Lorithese
CarrieAnd uh, so I've just learned so much about um, reflection and processing and being just aware
Loriof people
Brittanyaround you.
LoriAnd I think
Carrieso many people are so busy on their phones and they just, they, they're not um, trying to be unaware. On purpose, they just aren't. And so I just encourage others to, um, to take a step back
Loriand just be more aware of
Carriearound you. I've learned that it takes just a moment to deliver kindness, and kindness and encouragement is our free gift to
Lorione
Brittanyanother
Loriyeah, It truly is. um,
Carrieagain, that quote and what I was trying to get at is just from my own personal experience of realizing, um, you know, we don't have control over a lot of the challenges we go through, but what we
Brittanyhave a choice in is our reaction to
Carriecircumstances. And that's where our control is. I think a lot of people that
Lorigo through
Carrietough medical challenges, whether it's a TBI, a stroke, or, cancer or another, um, devastating disease. They feel out of control. But truly, we always have a choice in
Loriour reaction.
BrittanyYeah, my reaction is when you were talking about grief earlier and accepting it, I know to be honest I haven't really accepted it and I haven't grieved or really processed my brain injury It's like me kind of ignoring it and I always tell people it's the one injury I can't escape from because in my brain so no matter how hard I guess I need to accept it though But still but then also I've been thinking lately I've been talking to people and people have been encouraging me and so now in my mind right now I have a little motto, like, Oh, at first I thought my brain injury ruined my life. Like, it ruined everything, my plans. But now, I just have to think about it. I get to reimagine my life. So that's kind of my motto now.
LoriI
Carriethat. Yes. Um, and, it
Brittanytakes time. It's a journey. Yeah.
Carrieand like I said, I'm 22 years
Brittanyinto it, so you just have to give yourself
Carrieand realize that, um, you know, you have from now until the day you die to,
Brittanyto figure it out,
CarrieRight, no, and I was laughing when you were talking about other people just need to be aware Um, just people are always looking at their phone. Well, I'm just saying I mean y'all all know y'all all know everyone knows I'm a hockey fan. I go to the Stars games Well, so I always whoever is with me at the game holds, you know I hold on to them leaving the game because first of all, I'm way down here and everyone else is way up here and everyone just looks straightforward. So people don't think to look down and even notice me. So I am holding on to someone, you know, to get through the crowd because people just don't care. I mean, maybe I shouldn't say they don't care. They're just unaware they and they don't because they don't have to think about things like we do. They don't. Look at their surroundings and all that. So that kind of brings what kind of talking about all this so
Brittanyum,
CarrieI know you've gotten very active in your local community back in New Mexico with support groups and things. So, how do you encourage other survivors to not focus so much on what their personality was before the stroke or the TBI or whatever it may be and embrace that new to bring in that personality that was there and I know some of that you just it gets unwired because of the brain injury but to find that personality and grow that personality and that confidence after your injury how do you motivate Think, I think it's just um, you know, everybody's different. Um, but I try and just encourage, um, others, and I do a lot at stroke rehab hospitals, um, so they're still inpatients. Um, and I just want to be kind of the walking miracle that they can see that the struggle is. is hard at that point in time, but for them to understand the struggle
Brittanythat they're in right
Carrienow is not forever. Um, and I think sometimes when we're in that devastating, um, um, role, we, have a skewed point of view and, we kind of have blinders on. And I think that's for any of us in a journey, you know, we have our blinders on. If we could just take the blinders off and look at things with a brighter view.
BrittanyBroad broader and brighter view, Um,
CarrieI've learned to have a perspective of gratefulness and that has really helped me with my outlook.
BrittanyAnd it, It doesn't change
Carriephysical disability, but having a perspective of gratefulness definitely changes your outlook on things and that can truly change your whole picture. So I just encourage others when I'm talking to them to realize that the current struggle that you're in It's not going to be forever. So make your plans, make your goals and make baby goals. Um, you know, start with the baby goals and start with the big goals And, have a bucket list.
LoriYou
Carrieit might take a long time to get to your bucket list. I have lots of bucket lists, um, and, uh, you know,
BrittanyI may or may
Carrienot achieve them, but the bucket lists are what keeps us going. Sure. And, uh, that's important, you know, for
Brittanyall of
Carrieus to have that.
Brittanyit's, I love that
Carriethere's more and more stroke support groups, and I think that we need to recognize that many of the stroke support groups, Um, aren't as occupied as we want them to be because caregivers are tired. And so many of us, um, do need to depend on others. And, uh, we
Lorineed to
Carrierealize that, um, it is just as hard, um, on the survivor as it is on the families of the survivors and the
Loricaregivers.
CarrieAnd, um, you know, if, if, those around us could
Brittanycan realize,
Carrieum, that That when something tragic like this happens, it affects the whole family. And everybody's tired. So, families, um, could get the support of friends, um, and loved ones. I, I depend on friends a lot now, and I learned so much about vulnerability. Um, through this, I used to think that by being vulnerable, I wouldn't have friends and no one would understand
Brittanyand no one would like me
Carrieanymore. And then I realized that I can't control other people's
Loriemotions
Carrietowards me and how everybody
Brittanythinks.
CarrieI can only control
Lorimyself, by being vulnerable,
CarrieI might get support. I might get connection. And I also got, um, uh, understanding. And I depend on friends now to take me to the doctor appointments and stroke support groups, which relieves my family. And I think sometimes we need to do that. We need
Brittanyto relieve our families,
Carrieum, from that stress and give them the respite. That's so true. I'm going to take a quick little break and remind our listeners out there to go ahead and click that like button while you're listening. Click that share button. Click that subscribe button and click that notify button if you're watching us on YouTube so you continue to get reminded. And now back to Lori. So I said, I love what you're saying about relying on friends instead of family as you grow. And it again, that takes some of that confidence to learn your, what your abilities are, what you need. And what was probably one of the hardest things for me after my stroke that ability to learn How to ask for help. Because I was very, very independent in the beginning. I still think that I am. And I don't like, I mean, asking people to reach stuff off the top shelf is no big deal, but asking for real help is a big deal. But I think, I think stroke support groups and organizations like ours are what help us grow, regrow that personality and that confidence. Because we feel, in the beginning, we feel so, I don't know what the word is, unsure. But the more you get around like-minded individuals, other people that have a brain injury, other people that understand, because again, our caregivers, our friends don't understand. They can empathize. Right. But they don't understand. so it's hard so,
Brittanyyes. Absolutely. And I think we all like to be in control. I was sharing with my husband, um, uh, recently that, uh, I remember, my memory's coming back slowly, um, of things in the hospital, um, when I had my, uh, brain injury.
Lorium, that
BrittanyI used to love the ice machine when I was in rehab. and I think it's the one thing I had control over when I had control over nothing, but I could press the button for the ice machine. And, I think we all like control over things. And, for those of us that were all, independent and then drastically life changed with something like a stroke or a traumatic brain injury, we immediately lost that control. And so when we have to ask a friend to, do
Lorithings, um, you know that's
Brittanyour lack of control and that is
Lorihard
Brittanyfor
Lorieach of us. In order
Carriecome, um, to
Lorithis
Brittanytrip to
CarrieTexas right now, um, I have a great friend traveling with me and, uh, um, you know, it's, I'm so grateful that she said yes, but um, I would much rather be able to
Brittanybe independent and drive myself and, and stay by myself.
CarrieBut that's not
Brittanythe safest
Carriething to do, and I know that. And so, um, I've just learned, um, you know, I, I have a passion to share and encourage, um, others
Brittanyand Um,
Carriethis is what
BrittanyI need to do in order to do that. Mm-hmm Yeah. So you're talking about encouraging to others and people understanding and that you had challenges. challenges So with the challenges, um, comes opportunities. So were you able to do that or how did your challenges help you gain more opportunities?
CarrieYou know,
BrittanyI think it's just, um, looking
Carrieoutside the box
Brittanyand,
Carrieuh, really pushing yourself
Brittanyto find those opportunities. I love sharing in my stroke community because I'm with my, my
Carriepeople.
Brittanymy, my,
Carriemy, um, my
Brittanythat
Carrieme,
Brittanyit's my comfort zone. Um,
CarrieI love sharing at retreats and churches, um, and I share a lot
Brittanyabout choices and challenges and not getting stuck and
Carriethe importance of community and friendship and marriage and commitment. my husband and I were just shy of our 5th year wedding anniversary when this happened and we're now going on 27
Brittanyyears, and so,
Carrieum, I talk about the importance of marriage, um,
Loriand, uh,
Carriebut, um, to share in the
Loristroke
Carriecommunity. is so
Brittanyimportant to me and, and I'm very passionate about just encouraging those that have gone through
Carriewhat I've gone through, um, just
Brittanyto give them the
Carrieencouragement to,
Lorinever give up. I
CarrieYeah, no, I mean, I love that. And that's, I mean, truly is. I feel like, um, when the clubhouse started, seven, eight years ago, there was very little
Brittanybrain
Carriecommunity. And I feel like as, over time, as we've grown, um, how much more the, the general public is learning about the brain injury community and how much all the rehab facilities are working together more as a community and just collaborating more and doing more and getting the awareness out there, which is a big thing we don't, we haven't had. I mean, we're lucky to be here. That we had our brain injuries when we did because 40 years ago, they just shoved us in a mental institution and said you're done.
BrittanyAnd that's a big, I appreciate you bringing that up. A big
Carriepart of this is the stroke awareness for those in the community, um, that, that are perfectly healthy. Because we were healthy. Um, prior to our strokes. And for me, um, at age 29, I had no
Brittanyidea
Lorithe signs
Brittanya stroke.
Carrieso I'm very
Brittanyactive in the community, um, in May and October during
CarrieStroke Awareness Months, just to let the community know the signs of stroke, uh, and let others know what to be aware of. Yeah, absolutely. Um, so yeah, I mean, um,
Lorione
Brittanyof
Carriethe other things you talked about is everyone wants to feel supported, understood, and loved, and listened to. Um, How do you take the time, or how do you adopt that idea, you know, how do you get others to understand? I need you to listen a little better, or notice a little better. I think sometimes you just have to tell them. it's important, I need this from you. And, and to be a good listener yourself. I find that same thing with the doctors
Brittanyand the medical personnel. They get so used to you know, Um, Going, going, going. I have to say,
Carrieplease just stop
Brittanyand listen to me. I am a real person and these are my goals.
Carrieand I think sometimes we just need
Brittanyto, um,
Carriestep out of
Brittanycomfort zone
Carrieand don't
Brittanyworry about hurting feelings and
Lorijust say,
Brittanyfor listening.
LoriThis
BrittanyThis is what I need from you. And I
Carrieam a
Brittanypeople pleaser, so
Carriethat's really, really
Brittanyfor me.
CarrieUm, but you know, it
Brittanygoes both ways.
CarrieSometimes we just
Brittanyneed
Carrieto, um, do the same. I'm a big card writer, and I'm
Brittanya big gift giver. That's my love language. And so I send a lot of gifts to people, a lot of cards
Carrieto people because I try
Brittanyand do to others what I needed, and I never got. And, uh, you know,
Carriesometimes you might never get what you need, but you can be that vessel to someone else. I love that.
BrittanySo, um, what's next for you? Um,
Carrieso I'm continuing to write. Um, I, have a uh, 52 chapter book that I'm working
Brittanyon that's going to be, um, like my book
CarrieChoices, um, but it will talk about um, more of
Brittanythe emotional side, that what I've learned on
Carriejourney on healing. and it's
Brittanygoing to deal with,
Carrieum, our identity and our self confidence
Brittanyand finding our new normal,
Carrieum, and, uh, I'm still working on that.
Brittanythen
Carriethen I'm going to be starting a children's book series with
Brittanyanother author,
Carriewith my service dog as
Brittanythe main character.
Carriethat's so exciting. His name's
Brittanymaverick, he's
Carrieold now. He's a German shepherd Husky. Um, but, uh, I want to teach children how to
Brittanyaccept others that aren't like themselves.
CarrieUm, that might have a disability or an illness. Um,
Brittanybecause
Lorithink if we could
Brittanystart with the children, the adults would understand better.
CarrieUm, and so, um, Maverick's going to find a
Brittanyfamily.
Lorigoing
Carrieto become a service dog. He's going to learn
Brittanyhis manners.
LoriAnd, uh,
Carrieso that's going
Brittanygoing to be coming out
Loriin the
CarrieI think that's so awesome, because children are so understanding. If you just explain, because I know, you know, little kids always look at my AFO and they're, and I'm like, do I say something? Do I not say something? I just let it go.
BrittanyWhen he's decked out, they're like, oh, a police
Carriedog. So
Brittanyhope to get
Carrieseries out
Brittanyand then start going into
Lorischool.
BrittanyKids are fun to talk to about because they do ask me about it. And then, you know, I have to not tell them the horrific, like, things. It's like, oh, well, you know, I hurt my head. I have a brain injury. And so they kind of, like, ask more questions and I tell them why. And so then they understand. So it's a good learning experience for kids to start young. Learn
LoriAbsolutely,
Brittanybecause, you know, kids, um,
Carriecan be really mean to each other, they, don't understand, and kids
Brittanydesperately need
Carriefriends, and, especially
Brittanywith uh,
Carriedisabilities or kids with an illness, um, they need to be accepted. And so if,
Loriwe can
Carrieensure that and help that,
Lorilike
Carrieto be a part of
Lorithat
CarrieWell, lori, thank you so much for coming back and joining us. I'm glad you reached out so we could get to figure where you are now, and I'm sure we'll have you back on later in life. want to talk to you when the books are done, and I want the Maverick book.
BrittanyOkay, I'm heading in my pre
Carrieorder now. you. again for joining us, and thank you all for listening.
BrittanyAnd then if you would like to contact us, you can email us at bindwaves@thebind.org Follow us on Instagram at@bindwaves, and visit our website thebind.org/bindwaves.
CarrieAnd again, don't forget to like, share and subscribe on your favorite platform. Also, hit notify on YouTube while you're listening to BIndwaves
BrittanyYep, you can also find all our new episodes on all your favorite platforms, so don't forget.
Carrieoh, Until next time.
BrittanyUntil next time.
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